“Are you Bipolar?”

It’s another of those weekends I spend with my new boyfriend, just lying in bed staring at the ceiling  eventually we decide to leave the house and go meet a friend, lipstick in hand tears suddenly sprout from my eyes and that awful feeling of dread and anxiety consumes my body and feel like I can’t breathe, he pulls me to the bed and holds me and asks me what’s wrong ”what’s happened?” I have nothing to tell him, its just a feeling of overwhelming sadness. An hour passes I’ve stopped crying but looking at his face he looks more troubled and sadder than me so I force myself to be supper happy, another hour passes and I’m a different person, a happy go lucky spirited figure, I feel like I Can fly I’m bursting with joy, ‘I’m so glad you’re back’ he says to me I  smile brighter, a little while later he says ”You bipolar or something?”, I want to say “Only when you’re around because you make me feel guilty for being sad so I force myself to be overjoyed”, but I say nothing and smile.



The Sex fiend, the Ex, and the Druggie

The bad thing about insomnia is it makes you think too much.

The sex fiend is a nice guy, just horny, it  always starts off innocently enough the messages, but then one late night when you’re little drunk, a little tired, a little lonely and you get carried away. After that it’s never the same again they may ask how your day was, answer you with chit and vague answers, this always lasts about 20 minutes maybe an hour but then the inevitable ‘so what are you wearing babe’  and you play along at first comforting yourself it’s just one of those things but when they start to expect it.  You come to realise you’re not on the same page,  you like them, but they like sex more, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be with you.

The ex comes back again and again, he was someone you thought you knew but it turns out to be a lie. The annoying thing about insomnia is that it wares away at your memory, you start to forget the pain, the hurt, the stress.  You start think maybe I made a mistake maybe he was the love of my life ‘I miss him’ you tell yourself but if you’re lucky you’ll remember why you broke up.  Remember that ‘you’re unlovable’ is one of the kinder things he’d say when he was frustrated ,which was everyday, three years of that can slightly tare at your soul.

The druggie is  a friend someone you haven’t known forever but long enough, they always have a vice, drugs, alcohol and if you spend enough time you become something that fills whatever memory, experience, feeling they’re trying to drown, you become a vice. so when they’re under they want you, I miss you, I wish you were here, I don’t have anyone but you, I want to kiss you, I love you they say. so you get curious about they kind of person they are, why they’re hurting, you get to like their sober self . but you soon realise they only like you when they’re under.

The good thing about insomnia is that it makes you think too much.

To be or not to be a…Dominatrix

Is there something about me that screams dominatrix, according to my Okcupid profile

Yes…Yes there is. I mean I don’t get it, its not like I’m draped in leather, fishnets, and  stripper heels,

dolled up in vamperic makeup holding a paddle in one hand and a whip in the other in my pictures.

On the contrary they’re a predictable array of self-indulgent selfies, and

cutesy group photos that scream look I’m not a narcissist weirdo, I have friends.  And I promise you my

profile is just as generic, you know love traveling, food, music, books..bluh bluh Murakami..bluh bluh

Netflix…bluh bluh…hipster stuff that’s actually widespread and not niche at all. Okay got a little distracted

but seriously I don’t know what to do. So just to clarify, I am not nor have I ever been a dominatrix, but after

careful consideration..No I still have no desire to be one so stop bloody messaging me!

Hmm well if everything else goes to shit, why not?

“Do you want to be in a porno with me…no?…just sex then… pls”…I give up on online dating

Apart from bumping into my ex, guys who wanted me to dominate them (all 45 years +), a few with weird fetishes and now a guy who works in the industry (porn) wanting me as his partner in the professional sense, or otherwise a few casual encounters I’m now starting ( yes starting), to lose hope in finding someone not normal per say but just balanced…. just a bit. I mean I’m hardly a prude so I wasn’t offended more amused and curious.  So once again my inquisitive nature got ( as it always does) the best of me so I questioned him about the why, where and how of his request (he went into detail, a lot of detail).

And then I was done and tried to ex-tract myself from the exchange, not before  a few persuasive..pls have sex with me…pls

so I think I’m going to give up on dating…and go find myself or something

Bumping into an Ex, on an online dating site…

As if it isn’t awkward enough in real life, he’s a man I dated 3 years ago, it ended badly because I ended it, and to be fair I was less tactful back then and I might have been a little harsh…just a little. after a long stint away I finally checked on my profile (okcupid) in case you were wondering and as I scrolled through the visitors list, he popped up about three times. Okay…I suspect either guys don’t realize that they appear on the visitors list or more likely that they don’t care, anyway of course I didn’t visit his profile because I’d appear in his list. My romantic friend says maybe its fate and I tell her not to be silly ( well actually what I said was more along the lines of don’t be a  fucking idiot), my less romantic friend added that  he probably stalked me since I’m incapable of starting or ending anything in a normal or pleasant way. I also tell her not to be a fucking idiot and that it’s just a coincidence…but then a quote from Sherlock comes into my head ‘what do we say about coincidences…the world is rarely so lazy”, and then I had to remind myself not to be a  fucking idiot.

I make random sex noises in public

My roommate finds it hilarious, I find it embarrassing (now that I’m aware of my problem).

Its not intentional, the most recent scenario and there have been many was in the supermarket, my scarf got caught in a bit of plastic in the meat isle by the sausages, I kid you not, and as I pulled it out I made a sound that sounded something like ahh( but higher pitched). Since I’ve recently been made aware of my problem I immediately realized and froze, my roommate started laughing, there was man standing next to me, she was laughing at his face, I did not see ( I assume it was mixture of amused confusion) as I turned around and walked to the cheese and yogurt isle.

So on top of keeping an eye on what my face is doing since I suffer from RBF (resting bitch face), and trying to stop myself from constantly singing to myself in public,  I now also have to watch out for all noises that come from my mouth.

The indirect German

A German man who once liked me explained the three times he tried to ask me out ( very indirectly, way to not conform to the stereotype right, right)

Scenario one- the Halloween party

Scenario two- the cinema trip

Scenario three- the walk


Reconstruction: The Halloween party

German man: I’m hosting a warehouse party I’m pretty nervous, it would be great to have some help

Me: You’ll be fine besides you’ll probably be too drunk to be nervous and so will everyone else

German man: Right…erm you know the area don’t you?

Me: Yes I love Camden

German man: I hope nothing happens (laughs nervously), what are you doing?

Me: Nothing solid but I’ll think I’m going to  house party pretty near Camden actually

German man: oh that’s great…it would’ve been nice to see you

Me: yeah its a shame maybe next time

German man: yeah

It’s not my fault I’m normally good at reading people’s face, but this was a phone call it seems I can’t read tone at all.

‘Excuse me can I talk to you for a minute?’


I’m just wondering has any man actually managed to get the phone number of a woman he’s hit on, on the street??

I’m just curious because it happened to me recently and I frightened him but can you really blame me. I  honestly didn’t realize that kind of thing happened in broad daylight. In a club/bar/pub where its dark outside and there’s low mood lightening and people are drinking, I think it’s a pretty normal occurrence.

But to approach someone in broad daylight on a busy high street, what makes someone do that, blind faith, ignorance, confidence…

I don’t know but I the guess the  knee-jerk response is to dismiss them as weirdo or strange, but the more I thought about; It must be pretty terrifying to approach a stranger and put yourself on the line, especially when rejection is the most likely outcome.

I don’t want be to hyperbolic and say they’re brave, because firemen,  shark dentists and that french guy who walks tight ropes across skyscrapers without a safety harness is brave. But they have courage and that should at least be acknowledged if not respected.  I’m normally quite polite, well I at least started off that way, but he caught me by surprise so the ending came out a bit harsh.

“I’m flattered….but I don’t want to” , direct but polite right?

Feel the Fear and do it anyway…Tinder guy

Now I’m all for taking it slow at the start but not to the point where you both fall into a waking coma.

My flatmate had been speaking to this guy she met on tinder for almost 3 months, they did try and meet up over those months but things kept cropping up, she was ill and then he was and then she was  away and then he was. But finally in the new year they got their act together and went on that first day. From the Cheshire cat grin on her face I’d guessed it had gone well, confirmed by sweet text she received  that very night.

The house rejoiced we had heard so much about tinder guy and were genuinely happy for her, now I’m in the firm belief that you should always capitalize on those early exciting beginnings, if you want it to last.

…and that’s exactly what she’s not doing, now tinder guy used to live outside the city but due to a  new job has moved about 20 minutes away from where we are (FYI his move had been months in the works so not a creepy stalker). Taking the initiative he spontaneously texted wanting to meet for a second time, it was about 9 in the evening, my housemate was like it’s too cold and late and ….No you fool you should go but she didn’t. He’s still messaging and we keep asking her, when are you going to see him but she’s being super flaky and keeps pushing it back, yes she’s busy with her studies but he’s 20 minutes away… and it’s been almost 2 weeks since their first date.

I don’t want to sound like a cynic… but I think this budding relationship is about fizzle out into nothing.

That’s why it’s supper important to be compromising and open minded in the beginning, so make time even if you’re busy, go on that weird date even if its out of your comfort zone, take a chance on those early feelings so those butterflies in your stomach don’t die in vein…Did you know some species of butterflies can only live for about a week?

Mr nice Vs Mr interesting

Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a good guy, bad guy breakdown, or one of those bad boys vs nice guys pieces, because that kind of one-dimensional personality profiling is dangerous, at I least I think so.

Anyway lets meet our three characters first up is Ms Jane Daydream followed by Mr John Nice and lastly Mr James Interesting.  Now our Jane has been seeing both men and after a millisecond of contemplation has decided on Mr interesting, for the purpose of this lets say you’re Jane daydream. So Jane why Mr interesting instead of Mr nice?

John is very nice, capable, straightforward and he likes you a lot and although he’s busy he always makes time to write everyday, that’s right, write not text, he writes long emails because there’s so much he wants to say to you. He is completely invested in who you are, what makes you tick and what doesn’t. He thinks your quirks are adorable, he worries that you’re too clumsy, try not to get hurt is something he’s always telling you..but then you had to go and bump into-

James who is undoubtedly interesting, mysterious and elusive, often revealing strange things about himself that intrigue you. When he can find the energy he asks you about yourself and, sometimes even responds to what you’ve written. But what does that matter because he’s a precious soul that needs shielding, a melancholic spirit that needs protecting, a man who has weird quirks, is inexplicably self-deprecating with nervous hands, whose often distant and cold…yes truly he’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma (can you hear my eye roll)

But Jane don’t you think you’re too quick to dismiss John nice because you’ve assumed that he probably doesn’t own some never heard off indie album, or that he can’t possibly have a strange niche obsession. Plus there are no bodily ticks or strange quirks to speak off. So he must be a one-dimensional character, he’s Mr nice so his wholesome outer appearance  must be a complete reflection of who he is, right?

And if we continue along this thought process then James interesting must also be the same, he really must be the dark, broody and otherworldly human being, he can’t possibly  eat the same things us mere mortals consume, can’t possibly have the same thoughts as the rest of us or breathe the same air…but you’re wrong about both of them. Mr interesting isn’t the leading man in your teenage wet dream, he’s a human being who you’ve romanticized, so maybe it’s time to grow up and stop living in a daydream Jane. Daydreams are nice, but they’re not real.

I think that every now and then we all become like Jane Daydream, because we read too many of that kind of book, watch too many of those kind of films and in the end we loose sight of real people.  And when you invest in the stereotype and not the person, eventually everyone gets hurt, everyone.